These are my confessions...

I killed a man today, he is dead.

He made his bed when he ate the last Klondike bar.

No, this isn’t just a tribute to R&B sensation Usher, these are my confessions.

When the internet called this afternoon, I planned on pressing “ignore”. Like most people, I avoid phone calls from my boss. However, since the internet hit up my personal cell and not my extension at the Elephant on Fire offices, I assumed it was something about Game of Thrones. Since I don’t have any actual friends, I was desperate to discuss (Spoiler Alert!!) the beheading of Ned Stark. It went down something like this:

Me: “Can you believe that shit man?? Last night’s episode was crazy!”

Internet: “What Game of Thrones? I downloaded the bootleg months ago. I am the internet you know.”

Me: “Well fuck you then.”

Internet: “I called to talk business. Listen, it’s been a while since your last post.  What gives?”

Me:  “I don’t know internet, I guess I need some inspiration. Either that or cocaine…but I haven’t heard from Carlos in a while.”

Internet: “Dude, you killed him after he ate the Klondike bar. That literally happened earlier today.  I googled directions to that shallow grave for you.”

Me: “Oh internet, you and your crazy facts…what I am going to do with you?”

Internet: “Well you could start by writing. Try to connect with the reader.  Also, you should lay low for a while.”

The internet was right. I needed to lay low. Good thing is, it gave me plenty of time to think. I thought of confessing my crimes to the police, but I would be no good to my loyal reader(s?) if I were locked away. I did think of some other things that I didn’t mind confessing.

Here is a list:

1.       I watch, and enjoy, more than one show on HGTV.

2.       I hate Saabs and the assholes that drive them.*

3.       It is only necessary for me to shave 2-3 times a week.

4.       Even if I didn’t shave, I can’t grow a full beard. I’ve tried.

5.       I find Anne Hathaway revolting. Like, physically grotesque.

6.       I’ve never eaten a kiwi.

7.       I have a recurring dream in which I befriend an ostrich.

8.       I have an unreasonable fear of newborn babies.

9.       I hate people that write the word “to” when they should really use “too”.

10.   I am watching you through your webcam right now.

You looked didn’t you? 

     11. I am not really watching you through your webcam.

Or am I?

         12.   No, I am not.

 

OH GOD!! Gross, right?

 Whew! Glad that's over with. Thanks again, Mila.

That is all, you should hear from me again.

*Exception: Jerry Seinfeld.