Saturday, October 20, 2012

Will It Ever Stop? Yo, I Don't Know.

In honor of All Hallows Eve, Elephant on fire has risen from the dead!

One night only!

Possibly for another night after this!

No one knows!

I wrote an incredible rap song about coming back after such a hiatus, but it ended up being a word-for-word copy of Vanilla Ice’s “Ice, Ice, Baby”.

I’m not entirely sure how this ended up happening. It felt incredibly natural to describe “waxing a chump like a candle.” I could’ve sworn the words were my own. However, when I recited the song to my girlfriend (she’s real I swear), instead of hours of passionate love-making I assumed would occur as a result of the awesome power of flawless rapping, I was told I was a plagiarist. 

How could this be? Stealing sweet, sweet rhymes sure doesn’t sound like me.

Meth addiction and Yankee Candle collection sounds more like me.

I quickly thought of a scenario which was, in my mind, much more likely to have occurred.

Back in the late 1980’s, Vanilla Ice invented a crude form of time travel. It was at this time that he traveled to 2012, found the lyrics to the song on a napkin that I threw away at Wendy’s, and knew he found rap gold which would ultimately lead to fame and fortune. 

Then he drove to the suburbs, tried to kill Sarah Connor, and outsmarted Biff Tannen while riding a skateboard. 

After traveling back to 1990, he made millions after recording “Ice, Ice, Baby”.

What a dickhead.

Making me feel like I stole his rap.

Early nineties rap sensation, or murderous time-traveling cyborg? You decide.

After being told this was a less-than-likely event, I spiraled into a deep depression.

I spent my days in tears and my nights chasing the dragon.

This carried on for several months until I heard an older man describe his mustache as a “lip jacket”.

I laughed and laughed.

“Maybe I’ll finally write some blog posts again.” I thought.

“Don’t do that.  No one likes your blog.” said my mom.

Her words stung me like an angry hornet.

And that, my friends, is how Morgan Freeman invented cinnamon.

That is all, you should hear from me again.


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