Friday, July 29, 2011

How to fend off a vampire attack.

If you’re like me, then you probably spend a large part of your day fending off blood-thirsty vampires. So much so, that you may have taken to the internet, started a blog, and wrote an article describing the attacks. Possibly it is a revenge blog. Unfortunately for you, no one reads your blog. Fortunately for me, three people read mine. One of those three people is you.


Up to this point, your success in defending vampires is limited, and you are either dead or have become a vampire yourself. This is OK, but if you have become a vampire, do NOT attempt to drink from my delicious blood. This will only result in your demise.  

Let’s assume that you are still a human being.  It is night time. You’re strolling along, being awesome when some brooding, sexy person comes up to you and asks you to hang out. DO NOT BE FOOLED. Immediately drive a wooden stake through their heart.   

Here is another scenario:

You have already been cornered. The vampire has already shifted into his disgusting, nosferatu-esque form. He/she is about to bite you right in the neck. Pinch the vampire. Little known fact: vampires hate to be pinched. (This is why crabs are rarely killed by vampires.)  Pinching a vampire is kinda like punching a shark in the nose. It won’t kill it, but it will be irritating enough for them to let go. Then run like the wind. If you are like me, you have super-human speed. Use it. 

Avoiding vampires isn’t the only way to trick them. There is a slightly riskier technique that I haven’t personally tried, but if you are feeling lucky, give this a whirl: If you sense that you are being hunted by a vampire, quickly switch your own blood with poison. Then just go outside alone and walk around through the woods. The vampire will likely become over-confident, sensing that you are easy prey. Boy, will he be in for a surprise! When he bites you, he will succumb to the poison inside. Proceed with caution when using this technique, as I can already spot some difficulties. First, the poison. If Mr. Yuck has taught me anything, it’s that poison and people don’t mix. He also taught me how to sew a button back onto a shirt, but that is another story. The second problem is that vampires have the tendency to be cunning. Very cunning. If I know vampires, and I think I do, the vampire has likely discovered your plan in advance, and switched the poison with delicious Pepsi cola. The old switch-a-roo. Beware of this.

Below is a list of other techniques that I have personally used with success:

1. Turn into the Incredible Hulk.
2. Punch the vampire in the baby-maker.
3. Use the dark magic you learned when you wandered into that old Indian burial ground.
4. Summon The Eye of Thundera.
5. Yell loudly at the vampire.
6. Turn into the Incredible Hulk, again.

If the above strategies don’t work for you, then you probably didn’t try hard enough.

That is all, you should hear from me again.



  1. Your vamipiric knowledge astounds me. I feel that i'm being hunted by a vampire as we speak. Good thing I can morph into a crab. I also have the personal option of dino-bear rage.

  2. very funny. i use catnip on were-panthers.