Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Back to School Guide: Part One

If you’ve been to your local J.C. Penny anytime since late June  (and who hasn’t? The deals are unbelievable) then you know it’s Back to School time. 

Back to school time strikes fear in the hearts of kids and teenagers alike. Elementary, Junior High, High school…doesn’t matter what grade level, all terrible places. Fortunately for me, 90% of my formal education was provided by Asian day laborers. The other 10% was public school. This has provided me with a unique outsider’s perspective, as well as the ability to speak Mandarin and Cantonese. Anyway, don’t fret young school boys and girls, Uncle Elephant on Fire is here to provide you with all the knowledge you will need to succeed. 

Here is your first scenario:

It’s the third week of school. You forgot to do your homework because you were up all night snorting Benadryl.  Don’t ask me why…I don’t know why the hell anyone would do that. Anyway, your teacher is a real bitch. Let’s call her Ms. Smith. She’s a Ms. not a Mrs….not in a cool “I’m a Ms. because I’m young and smoking hot” she’s more like “I’m a Ms. because I’m mean and I own too many cats.” This won’t be easy.

So, Ms. Smith is making her rounds checking everyone’s assignment. When she gets to you, don’t panic. Be cool. Look her dead in the eye. She’ll ask you “Did you do your homework assignment today?”

Simply respond “Didn’t I Ms. Smith? Didn’t I?”

Offer no other explanation. Ideally, you will be wearing a leather jacket. She’ll be so thrown off by your bravado that she will simply move to the next person. Great Work. Another option is to say “Unfortunately Ms. Smith, my homework assignment was lost in a wild fire.” Use this one sparingly, as it can only be used once unless you live in California or Arizona, or some other wild fire prone area.  Wear a fireman’s jacket or charred clothing if employing this option.

Scenario #2:

You are the nerdiest girl in school, but you have a huge crush on the captain of the football team. You desperately want this gentleman to take you to the semi-formal, but feel that he’s out-of-your-league. Good news. I have a solution. Find the guy in your school that is friends with Freddie Prinze Jr.  Then dare that guy to dare Freddie Prinze Jr. that he can’t take the least popular girl in school and turn her into the prom queen (in this scenario, use “semi-formal queen”).  

Then take off your glasses and wait.

Within weeks, you will be even more beautiful and popular than the head cheerleader. This time-line is shortened significantly if Freddie Prinze Jr. transforms you during a montage.   The quarterback will have no choice but to ask you to that semi-formal.  You’re welcome. 

Scenario #3:

You are the smartest guy in your grade, but you don’t even need to study. You are also the top athlete in your school.  You are cool and confident without alienating your peers. Also, you have a totally awesome car. It’s the car from Knight Rider. That’s right, Kit. You won it from David Hasselhoff in an illegal poker game. Girls want to date you. Guys want to be you. You have a talking dog named Paul. 

I would like to offer you a solution to your problem, but you don’t seem to have any. Keep up the good work, and tell Paul I said hi.

That is enough scenarios for now. Stay tuned for more Back to School advice. If you are feeling especially discouraged, leave your problem in the comments section and I will answer it in my next post. If no one leaves a comment, I will just steal some problems from the next episode of Secret Life of the American Teenager.

That is all, you should hear from me again.


  1. What if you Wanted to pay the Head Cheerleader the money you saved up cutting grass to make you popular???? lol

  2. Another excellent and seemingly fool-proof idea Stacey 101.