Saturday, September 3, 2011

Back to School Advice: Part Two

Hello again.
As promised, I am back with more Back to School advice. The first day of school was supposed to be this Monday for the local children. However, it was cancelled due to Hurricane Irene. What a bunch of pussies. In my day, we walked to school uphill, with hurricanes on both sides of the street. Either way, this extra day gives you kids more time to prepare for school under my award winning tutelage. 
I already discussed some possible scenarios that you may encounter, so now I’ll cover some general rules. Click here if you would first like to view the scenarios.
1.       Look fucking awesome, all the time.

Easier said than done…but this rule is very important and will likely govern whether you succeed or fail in countless school-based endeavors. Want to get freaky with the new girl? Not gonna happen unless you look awesome. Want to get straight A’s? Better look awesome. I’m talking to you, nerd. Anyway, when most kids are headed to their local Abercrombies and Hollisters, you’ll have the edge. I’m sending you to Men’s Warehouse. Their bearded CEO literally guarantees that you’re gonna like the way you look.
He says it right on the commercial: “You’re gonna like the way you look. I guarantee it.”

Bold words. What if The Elephant Man walks in there one day? Is he really gonna like the way he looks based on his clothing choice? Doubtful. “This three piece suit really sets off this horrible deformity that I have, and I really like the way I look.”

Elephant Man aside, you still should go. No one else is making guarantees anyway. When everybody else looks like a boy in tech vests and parachute pants…or…whatever the trend is these days…you will look like a man in a suit.

2.       Read a book, because reading is fundamental.

I’m guessing they’ve done away with Reading Rainbow by now. I blame the Nazis.  Anyway, Reading Rainbow was a show they made us watch in the library that taught me that reading is cool. Furthermore, reading as a hobby helps you look like less of a jackass when you have to read aloud in class. Few things disgust me more than someone that can’t read aloud. Ironically, I feel that you should never read out loud unless you are asked to. It’s just plain rude. 
“Yea, Ted…everyone knows you’re great at reading aloud. Stop showing off.”

This is a quote from me after I walked in on Ted reading aloud when it wasn’t necessary.

Anyway, you should definitely read. Read something that makes you look smart. Goosebumps doesn’t count after 5th grade. 

“Do you even know who I am?! The Haunted Mask wouldn’t have even HAPPENED if it wasn’t for me.”

This is a quote from R.L. Stine after I cut in front of him at a deli.

“You’re washed up Stine.  No one even liked Fear Street.”

This is a quote from me after R.L. Stine yelled at me when I cut in front of him at a deli. He cried after I said that.

3.       Once you are in High School, don’t ride the school bus.

Just don’t. It isn’t even cool, nerd. Find a way out of it. Walk. Get a ride from the cool kids. Steal a car. Drive the bus. Just don’t ride it. You’ll be labeled a loser forever.

Just stick to my advice and you’ll be fine.

Ignore it and find out what happens. Then call me in 30 years when you work at Arby’s. You won’t even be the manager. If that’s how you want things to turn out then go for it.

That is all, you should hear from me again.


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