Back to School Advice: Part Two

Hello again.

As promised, I am back with more Back to School advice. The first day of school was supposed to be this Monday for the local children. However, it was cancelled due to Hurricane Irene. What a bunch of pussies. In my day, we walked to school uphill, with hurricanes on both sides of the street. Either way, this extra day gives you kids more time to prepare for school under my award winning tutelage. 

I already discussed some possible scenarios that you may encounter, so now I’ll cover some general rules. Click here if you would first like to view the scenarios.

1.       Look fucking awesome, all the time.

Easier said than done…but this rule is very important and will likely govern whether you succeed or fail in countless school-based endeavors. Want to get freaky with the new girl? Not gonna happen unless you look awesome. Want to get straight A’s? Better look awesome. I’m talking to you, nerd. Anyway, when most kids are headed to their local Abercrombies and Hollisters, you’ll have the edge. I’m sending you to Men’s Warehouse. Their bearded CEO literally guarantees that you’re gonna like the way you look.

He says it right on the commercial: “You’re gonna like the way you look. I guarantee it.”

Bold words. What if The Elephant Man walks in there one day? Is he really gonna like the way he looks based on his clothing choice? Doubtful. “This three piece suit really sets off this horrible deformity that I have, and I really like the way I look.”

Elephant Man aside, you still should go. No one else is making guarantees anyway. When everybody else looks like a boy in tech vests and parachute pants…or…whatever the trend is these days…you will look like a man in a suit.

2.       Read a book, because reading is fundamental.

I’m guessing they’ve done away with Reading Rainbow by now. I blame the Nazis.  Anyway, Reading Rainbow was a show they made us watch in the library that taught me that reading is cool. Furthermore, reading as a hobby helps you look like less of a jackass when you have to read aloud in class. Few things disgust me more than someone that can’t read aloud. Ironically, I feel that you should never read out loud unless you are asked to. It’s just plain rude. 

“Yea, Ted…everyone knows you’re great at reading aloud. Stop showing off.”

This is a quote from me after I walked in on Ted reading aloud when it wasn’t necessary.

Anyway, you should definitely read. Read something that makes you look smart. Goosebumps doesn’t count after 5^th grade. 

“Do you even know who I am?! The Haunted Mask wouldn’t have even HAPPENED if it wasn’t for me.”

This is a quote from R.L. Stine after I cut in front of him at a deli.

“You’re washed up Stine.  No one even liked Fear Street.”

This is a quote from me after R.L. Stine yelled at me when I cut in front of him at a deli. He cried after I said that.

3.       Once you are in High School, don’t ride the school bus.

Just don’t. It isn’t even cool, nerd. Find a way out of it. Walk. Get a ride from the cool kids. Steal a car. Drive the bus. Just don’t ride it. You’ll be labeled a loser forever.

Just stick to my advice and you’ll be fine.

Ignore it and find out what happens. Then call me in 30 years when you work at Arby’s. You won’t even be the manager. If that’s how you want things to turn out then go for it.

That is all, you should hear from me again.



  

Back to School Guide: Part One

If you’ve been to your local J.C. Penny anytime since late June  (and who hasn’t? The deals are unbelievable) then you know it’s Back to School time. 

Back to school time strikes fear in the hearts of kids and teenagers alike. Elementary, Junior High, High school…doesn’t matter what grade level, all terrible places. Fortunately for me, 90% of my formal education was provided by Asian day laborers. The other 10% was public school. This has provided me with a unique outsider’s perspective, as well as the ability to speak Mandarin and Cantonese. Anyway, don’t fret young school boys and girls, Uncle Elephant on Fire is here to provide you with all the knowledge you will need to succeed. 

Here is your first scenario:

It’s the third week of school. You forgot to do your homework because you were up all night snorting Benadryl.  Don’t ask me why…I don’t know why the hell anyone would do that. Anyway, your teacher is a real bitch. Let’s call her Ms. Smith. She’s a Ms. not a Mrs….not in a cool “I’m a Ms. because I’m young and smoking hot” she’s more like “I’m a Ms. because I’m mean and I own too many cats.” This won’t be easy.

So, Ms. Smith is making her rounds checking everyone’s assignment. When she gets to you, don’t panic. Be cool. Look her dead in the eye. She’ll ask you “Did you do your homework assignment today?”

Simply respond “Didn’t I Ms. Smith? Didn’t I?”

Offer no other explanation. Ideally, you will be wearing a leather jacket. She’ll be so thrown off by your bravado that she will simply move to the next person. Great Work. Another option is to say “Unfortunately Ms. Smith, my homework assignment was lost in a wild fire.” Use this one sparingly, as it can only be used once unless you live in California or Arizona, or some other wild fire prone area.  Wear a fireman’s jacket or charred clothing if employing this option.

Scenario #2:

You are the nerdiest girl in school, but you have a huge crush on the captain of the football team. You desperately want this gentleman to take you to the semi-formal, but feel that he’s out-of-your-league. Good news. I have a solution. Find the guy in your school that is friends with Freddie Prinze Jr.  Then dare that guy to dare Freddie Prinze Jr. that he can’t take the least popular girl in school and turn her into the prom queen (in this scenario, use “semi-formal queen”).  

Then take off your glasses and wait.

Within weeks, you will be even more beautiful and popular than the head cheerleader. This time-line is shortened significantly if Freddie Prinze Jr. transforms you during a montage.   The quarterback will have no choice but to ask you to that semi-formal.  You’re welcome. 

 

Scenario #3:

You are the smartest guy in your grade, but you don’t even need to study. You are also the top athlete in your school.  You are cool and confident without alienating your peers. Also, you have a totally awesome car. It’s the car from Knight Rider. That’s right, Kit. You won it from David Hasselhoff in an illegal poker game. Girls want to date you. Guys want to be you. You have a talking dog named Paul. 

I would like to offer you a solution to your problem, but you don’t seem to have any. Keep up the good work, and tell Paul I said hi.

That is enough scenarios for now. Stay tuned for more Back to School advice. If you are feeling especially discouraged, leave your problem in the comments section and I will answer it in my next post. If no one leaves a comment, I will just steal some problems from the next episode of Secret Life of the American Teenager.

That is all, you should hear from me again.